If you are looking for an acknowledgement of our shortcomings you will not find it in this document. We reserve the right to change our opinion at any time.

As we attempt to ambush and penetrate a piece of music's uncanny defence system, we can give ourselves away through redundancy. Start slow; start relaxed. Take your time, breathe deeply, and make sure you don't listen too loudly or type too quickly. It's got to feel right. That's the key word with record reviewing; it must feel. You, your fingers, the typewriter - extensions of ones own arms, the mystical transcendence of noise to words, the words - projectiles straight from our ear holes.

You want 24 hour access to a reliable stereo system; you want to get yourself on some mailing lists; you want to go down the local paper or library - some place literates hang out - and find someone who will instruct you on the simplicity, the grace, the act, the maneuver, the physics of the music review.

It will feel so wonderful when you make all the right observations and set your personal projectile payload soaring down onto the almighty paper. You must work constantly to maintain proficiency, but practice is fun. Just make it happen and you will amaze yourself. Slow and easy. Focus. Fluidity. Beware not to use too many big words. I don't care how tough and macho you may be. Graceful, easy to read prose is essential. If you hit a rut - change medium. Try writing on restaurant napkins, oversize post-it notes, carve your review into the bark of a tree. Try refraining from using your thumbs, heavily researching a topic you will never be called upon to discuss, or changing the settings on your stereo to a variety of extremes. It's an astonishing, unprecedented level of awareness we must aspire to. Get far away from your speakers and learn how your ears and hands line up. You will know when you mentally "cling".

We are human and cannot explain what happens in recording studios or even what should happen. But the best magazines have always been dedicated to winning, not competing. Winning. Every page of every issue is wonderful, a top notch on the stock of life.
(Lapsus Linguae would like to acknowledge Newt Ludwig for the didactic inspiration)

Expect short, facetious and evasive answers to your broad, inappropriate questions. The lucky interviewer will be given a polaroid of the event, signed by the band. An unedited transcription of it will be available on this webshite, with an editorial note at the bottom if necessary.

N.B. If one of us was in an inebriated state when we spoke, that wasn't an interview.

Bricks - press release, dictaphone; Mortar - juvenile hyperbole, "Smart" copy.
Things you never said appear in quotation marks.
I don't give a fuck what Rid Kock is like in real life.
We have a lot of explaining to do, your broadcast/article is insufficiently long.
At least it's free advertising.

Lapsus Linguisn't a closed text life, not a courtrooom Intentionally plural;playful; inconsistent - certitude aligns itself with bigotry; egotism and violence. Truth is personal not universal we embrace inevitability of erro r.

Beethoven's music (is) informed by J S Bach's, whose (music) is (informed by) his ecclesiastic predecessors, whose music is reliant on the Greeks to whom we can attribute, amongst other things, the (division) of the octave into 12 segments common to all those mentioned (in this sentence).

Remove (a) 'genius' (composer) of your choice from his influences (and) circumstances, wipe away (any) recollection he ever had of (human) contact and place him in a cave with a skull and a femur. Will he use (the two together) to beat out a rhythm? A fallen tree would still (roll down) a hillside if man had not invented the wheel. (Sarah Jessica Parker's face) could still ignite if humans had never discovered fire. Humans do not create, they (manipulate) what has already been created. Doctors place pigs hearts in your Dad to extend his life, but they still cannot glean (the departing ingredient) from DAAAAAAD to DEEEEEAAAAAAAAAD.

Wheeze the recipients of the benefits of thousands of years of the (CCIIVV). Medical progress accounts for an enormous population whose growth is accelerating. Mass (CCOOMM) means that knowledge is shared very widely and quickly. Supposing the number of things humanity can create and discover is finite? The number of available discoveries would be falling (and) the rate at which they are falling would be accelerating. (The pursuit of) a unique or original or even individual life or (work) would become more difficult. A Pioneer (in this age would be) not (only) a talented individualist; they should be (so) lucky, lucky lucky (lucky).

Complacent posteriority culturE Permeated revivals nostalgia regurgitatioN Yesterdays debris obscures our view of todaY Past doesn’t end any morE Instead bleeds into barely distinguishable presenTToo stunted by Cyst Tome of Cum Odd E Tease-
-to find Anything to replace itself with.

Modern attempts to create new vocabularies by appropriation and by changing the order and context of old ones; some of this is successful, the rest is smug, lazy art which capitalises on its audiences poor knowledge of the culture which has preceded it.
A plagiarist dilutes the power of the art they are usurping, and fails to assert their own individuality.

Increasing knowledge, decreased certainty; time itself is malleable - Einstein proven. Through the progress of philosophy ideas regress. An idea or concept relies upon another idea, which relies on another idea and so on and so on, back and back until you need a GGOODD to explain why we are here. For justice to exist the guilty need to be punished. Since we cannot on earth guarantee the punishment of the guilty, we need GGOODD to send people to hell which in its turn is reliant on the existence of GGOODD. The existence of GGOODD cannot be proven by scientific means. In order to believe in GGOODD, you gotta have faith, which is belief without logical evidence, empirical evidence or any other measurable evidence.

A way to look positively upon this without resorting to faith;-

Since Ferdinand de Saussure updated plutonian views by recognising that the word which refers to an object is an arbitrary signifier whose association with that object is purely conventional, new critical disciplines have arisen - amongst them constructionism, deconstructionism, semiology. Some of these people have concluded that not only is the signifier (word/symbol) that refers to an object/concept arbitrary, but the object/concepts meaning is also arbitrary. This meaning is defined by its relation to other meanings, the structure of which is manufactured and purely conventional.
If all meanings are manufactured, far from being disheartened by the arbitrariness of it all, the very artificiality of the world humanity has created for itself should be relished as one would the craft in the honeycomb that a hive of bees has constructed instinctively. This view can be likened to a Buddhist state of enlightenment, no longer struggling to place everything in a hierarchy of value, instead looking upon everything as an interrelated architecture of information. Where normally people struggle to attain security, permanence, truth, posterity, this view allows us to see these concepts as tiles in a mosaic where the uncertain, the ephemeral and the false are of equal structural importance.

This is not an intellectual sedative. This is a tool. Reduce the impact of the passions along with their associated pain and turmoil, allow yourself to calmly and peacefully continue your life altruistically without negative emotions to inhibit your moral sense. Affirm and celebrate the fact; You Are Alive.
Postmodernists reaction to passivity has been to destroy the value of choice altogether. In the eyes of the postmodernist any choice is as good as any other. Everything is reduced to vicissitudes of an ironic and conspicuously clever personal style.

That skill and process is a means to an end not the end itself. Our music make you feel better, more alive, make the washing up go quicker or make you dance

Top up on the inexplicable; Experience aesthetic ideas per second at a higher rate than the commercial average; Buoy yourself above the barriers imposed on your understanding ; Give yourself the perspective to properly exercise your judgement.
Have as large an awareness as possible of what has preceded you and of your contemporaries. When performing conventions, do it so completely that the convention is exhausted and attention is drawn to the status of the convention as merely conventional.

One definition of irony is to convey ones opinion in language (ACTIONS) of opposing tendency. Reconciling contrasts and contradictions is participation. I am not background music. I am here to engage you. You are not here to sit back passive and entertained. You are here for cerebral, ideological, semiotic workout where you will get inside the evil, dissect its inner workings shed it completely.

I am a vibration moving through the air. Do not impose a design on me. I am an expression of my surroundings. Do not censor me. I can propel you into assessment and action if only you'd let me. Some people prefer me to offer refuge from the outside world they want comfort or in confessionals case, reciprocation, not long term solutions. I have no responsibility to your preconceptions. The shortsighted disdain victimless spectacles. Mine won't play primary schools. Old enough to act as your own censor? Thick end to thin wedge slippery slope analogies are flawed methinks. Sexy swearwords are used in support of the wimmen and not maginalization them, no time.

Behaviour is governed by laws we citizens of a democracy have never participated in referendum on. Bound by laws that the GGOOVV. cannot ensure we understand fully. The GGOOVV. cannot even claim we know these laws existence, but we are assumed to have tacitly consented to them. Social liberties - rape; murder; theft - have victims - restricting someone else's liberty in return for extension of yours. Providing listener is permitted to stop listening music has no victims.

Influences = points of departure + points of reference = not goals. Emulating Slint is no better than emulating the Beatles . Here follow some recommendations.....

In no particular order (this list will engorge itself in time)
Trumans water; Milan Kundera; hieronymus bosch; shellac, rapeman, big black, diy absolutism and that drum sound all courtesy of steve albini and associates; Autechre; Fantomas - the first album's miles better than the directors cut; andrea dworkin; Captain beefheart; lisa "dogsuck" carver and her rollerderby zine; pre 90s Slayer ; alejandro jodorowsky's el topo and especially the holy mountain, but not santa sangre which isn't as good; ligeti; Torqamada; The cramps; league of gentlemen; holst; Theador adorno; black sabbath; Nietzshe; the naked city; aphex twin; Marshall mcluchan; john cage; everything Harmony korine has done excluding the kids script which is still ok; lungfish - the best song lyrics according to penny; Mahler; primal scream (but only exterminator); frank zappa; Baudrillard; stanley kubrick; Akira (the film); metallica up to and including "and justice for all"; neurosis; Goya; Prokoviev; gg allin and the murder junkies; erik satie; francis bacon; iron maiden; grant morrison's invisibles; cradle of filth, vic and bob, robert m pirsig, william blake, Dada, tom waits, Sonic youth; 80s Matchbox B-Line Disaster, aereogramme; don Delillo; converge; decapitated, Temple ov Psychic Youth
.....and hundreds of others too commercial to mention here.

van der graff generator
the birthday party
gentle giant
firewater
the cardiacs
three mile pilot
sparks

Not only hobbit and lard of the strings goods box, lair bullshit tupacs for lung cyrex. We don't sight wrongs about helium crystals or raike. Hoe we yearned to weigh and plight is as Dead boys as Yes. Rog prock vox could've bean airlifted from cross by still sand 'n' ash. Tend to be dialogue on correct pitch strengh and vibrato, no graunting whaleing speaking or shouting (CAN, you are excused).

Erroneous assumptions originating from people professing to be punks Dogma is ok so long as it's anarchist dogma; Being 'against' everything all the time is a good way to live your life; Unlike other hereditary factors like race and gender, class is a good reason to be proud, to discriminate and to 'go to war' (but only if you are 'working class'); Arguing with relatively similar groups over events from years gone by, slight differences in doctrine or alleged hypocrisies (sectarianism anyone?) is a good way to "fight the system"; People ought not to have crew cuts unless they have been skinheads since back in the day otherwise they are an insult to real skins

Thankyou for your tolerance and investment in freedom and variety.